The matrix and me

There isn’t anything in pop culture that has done so much in my life as the matrix did. It must have been near 20 years ago that I first watched the first one. I got it in a chance encounter. My mom stopped at a gas station, and they sold the dvd there. I bought it and watched it the same day, and that is the day everything in my life changed.

I started reading philosophy because of the matrix and learned so much about myself. It also got me on the path of reading about psychology. It got me to learn about myself, and got me curious about anything. I didn’t want the blue pill anymore. I read everything I could get my hand on, and on which I could focus enough. If it wasn’t for the matrix, I would never have been curious about so many things, and those things put me on paths that I could never have imagined before.

There aren’t much decision in my life that I can trace back so easily as towards this movie. I don’t think I would still be here without the matrix. Seriously. This isn’t an overstatement.

I started reading about wicca as well, thanks to the matrix, as I was reading about so many things. I knew about wicca, when I met my high priest on a trainee period. In 2008 when I had my big crisis, I could go back to my high priest to show me the figurative door, I only had to walk through it (this is not just a figure of speech that comes from the matrix btw, there was a willow tree, shaped like a door, and we used it on tree walks, to start our journey of that day, so I literally walked through the door). I would never have been on the path of learning, like I did, if it wasn’t for the matrix. Met all the people I did, if it wasn’t for the matrix. I would never have gotten interested in cyber security, if it wasn’t for the matrix. I would never have done so many things, if it wasn’t for that one movie made in 1999, that combined philosophy and action flawlessly to appeal to the masses, and only those that researched further, would comprehend more of it.)

Why am I writing this? Because just as in the matrix resurrections, I am back to the point where I was before I watched the matrix, but different. I am back alone, in a world that is against me, but I don’t feel weak any more. Not angry either. I don’t feel like I need to lash out any more, like I used to as a teenager. I don’t feel like I can not be loved, or give love. I know why I am weird now. I know who I am now, in a big part, which I didn’t back then, although I thought I did.

I am still the exact same person, as the one I was when I was 14. Still curious. I still know that I don’t know a lot of things and can always learn more, but I have the experience now to be me… unapologetically, because I don’t have the fear anymore of being judged. I don’t care any more. My 14 year old me wouldn’t dare to dream about sharing his words with the world. (I can not tell you how many papers I have filled with my scribbles, yet never showed them to anyone, not even reading them myself, but throwing them away. I can not show you 14 year old me’s writing, as it simply doesn’t exist any more. I would have loved to read 14 year old me’s writing.) That is something I have changed in too… I preserve my writing now. Offline and online, because I am in a way proud of my writing, something I wasn’t when I was 14. I didn’t know that I had value back then. 14 years I have lived my live by then not knowing that I was already valuable, because I was made to believe that I wasn’t.

There are more ways that I have gone back to fix my former self, and it would be brazen of me to say that I have done it all myself. I haven’t. All the people I have met and left behind since I was 14 have shaped me into the person I am today, yes, even the people that hurt me. They showed me, who I didn’t want to be associated with.

If I could go back and observe little 14 year old me, that bought the dvd that day, and if I could say that that movie would change his life in the way it did, he would laugh. Not believing that such a thing is possible. Youthful arrogance. Yet, here we are.

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