my view after 2020

I’m feeling like I am done with the world. Done with human beings. I just want to live somewhere remote and by myself. I just talked to someone about my past and for their psychological sake I didn’t tell them everything. It would take to long and trigger them to much.

yes, I have seen some shit. Have had some shit happen to me. If all that is said in the media, I should have been a schoolshooter, as I was bullied by pupils and teachers and had an unstable home.

I am not though. I have had traumatic shit happen to me. I have endured so much for years. I can not anymore. I will not anymore. This is why… the longer I live… the less I have trust in human beings. 2020 was a prime example.

not wearing a mask because it is uncomfortable, but crying when they get covid, or being mad when the pandemic isn’t over that quickly… if we all wear our masks, it would have been over months ago. This is a prime example of human selfishness. I had hope once…

But the longer I live, the less hope I have. The less I want to keep going.

I know this is a pessimistic way to view the world, but I have lost all optimism. There are a few specs of humanity left. I applaud these people that they still try and I will support them for trying, but the world we live in is not sustainable for long any more. Humanity is fucked. I applaud people that want to creaty cozy safe places in the world, or those that want to help save the climate, save the whales,… but it is all to late.

Those is power don’t give a fuck about humanity, all they see is money. All they see is cents and dollars and how much it can make them. If the earth was for sale, they would have sold it decades ago. Yes, this is what goes on in my mind, all day long on a bad day.

This is not even the darkest my mind gets on dark days, or dark moments (as most of my day was ok today, but it got darker towards the end). Believe me when I say that I don’t want to keep going on any more. That I don’t want to live any more, that I am done pushing up the boulder and seeing it roll back down again, and again, and again. I am not build for this world of mindless workers. I am not build for a world that values money more over beauty, over connecting genuinely with people, over just… living, breathing, enjoying things.

People don’t get the time to develop themselves and become psychological wrecks that pass on their trauma to the next generation and that generation is fucked up from the start and passes that on to the next and so forth ad infinitum.

I hope (and I do have a glimmer of hope) that some day someone will come along that will make me see differently. That will open my eyes to beauty once again, to the positive things of life, because to be honest… i have lost the path. I am straying into a dark forest, with no hope of ever finding my path towards the light again… plagued by dark thoughts and feelings… only sometimes getting to enjoy a glimmer of what could be a more positive life.

Every post is written first in scrivener 3, which you can get a 30 day free trial of here at literature and latte.

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