Why I will stay depressed

I don’t think there will ever be a day on which I won’t be depressed. I think it is both due to my brainchemistry which is off balance and thanks to the thoughts I have which creates the off balance in my brain.

I hear you thinking. Then change your thoughs. Well, I can’t. I really, really can’t, because then I would be lying to you, to everybody around me, and especially to myself.

To be honest, I don’t have an optimistic outlook on life. Probably never will. I had it once, I think, when I was still young. I don’t anymore. Haven’t had it for quite a while. You see, I do a very stupid thing, called thinking (I love this line by George Carlin). I have read books on philosophy, sociology, neurology,…

It all started after watching the matrix, after I truly accepted that I was different and went with it. Now, only last year, I know why I am different, but I accepted that I was different from most people around me much sooner, even before anyone told me about autism.

I still have memories from walking around school playground when I was six, pondering why I was being bullied, why girls reacted to me the way they did, why I was being ostracised, why I was perceived as weird.

Young me tried and tried not to be the monster they called him, tried to fit in like the ugly duckling he felt. My life really is a real life version of the ugly duckling, only I found my tribe much later. A real tribe of loners, of individuals.

when I was 16 and finally had watched the masterpiece which they call the matrix and started reading up on the philosophy behind it, I was hooked. I wanted to know more. I started to read more and more, and more, and actually never stopped.

This is the time I became a difficult teenager. I started to rebel, against everything. To show you my thought process: I really wanted to walk into a shop and pay with monopoly money, because in my mind (and it is probably true) my monopoly money, paid for with ’90’s belgian franks, was worth more than the Euro’s I had in my wallet today. I started to learn where the concept of money started and evolved to. I really hated money and capitalism, somehow I still do, but my adult life has caught up with me and if I want to stay alive in this capitalist dystopia, I have to have the thing called money, despite my ideology.

I see the interconnectedness of certain things and the more I read about the world, the worse it gets. This is why, I can’t be not depressed anymore. This is why I will always be a pessimist, and in best case scenario: a realist.

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