How it feels: Memories & thoughts

When you get the chance to meet me and you see me sitting perfectly still with my eyes glazed over, there is a chance i am daydreaming… there is an even bigger chance i am working out certain things within myself. It could be that i am watching memories or working on a magic effect or thinking through a problem or designing something i am working on without putting anything on paper.

This is how I look on the outside, on the inside a lot is happening, and I can get really grumpy when I am disturbed, so sometimes I go to a completely different room (if I am staying over at my girlfriends parents house and I know I get a good idea, or I close my eyes and pretend I’m napping, so I will not be disturbed.


In case of memories I see the memory as if I am reliving it. I see all the views that I took that day. I believe they are highly accurate, but your memory alters things, so I can’t talk about accuracy, but I think most of it still remains true. What I don’t remember, I can’t see. For example I can see bodies of people but I can’t look up at their faces, because I don’t remember them, so a blackness just is there, like an unfinished puzzle.

It feels a bit like the pensieve from Harry Potter, a certain memory is triggered and I get transported there again, walking in my own body and reliving it, really. I can smell the smells, I hear the sounds. Sadly I don’t taste anything, otherwise I would be remembering the best meals I have had over and over…

What I do notice is that in TV shows for example is that I do remember quite well what happened. There was a TV show which name I forgot but they showed a tragic scene and asked the people there what they remembered and all of them remembered somthing wrong about the accident. I almost completely got it right.

What I often say about my memory is that if I could draw better, I could draw my memories without any trouble, up to a very high degree of accuracy.


I love creating new things, but this process can be tedious. I love thinking about things but I don’t think people in my surrounding know how I work. For example, my new hobby is tabletop RPG. It looks like I bought the material and don’t touch it anymore. That I am not interested in it anymore. Nothing can be farther from the truth. When I am going dogsitting at my girlfriend’s parents house, I take my Tabletop stuff with me (I don’t have much), but I carry it with me. It is a kind of reassurance that I have it with me (same goes for certain magic books I’m thinking about at that moment. I might not work with it at that moment or even read through them, but it is a reassurance that if I have a flash of an idea, I can research it further in that book.

I mostly at the moment read PDF’s of Tabletop RPG stuff and I am doing so on my tablet (that I am glued to most of the day anyway), so it doesn’t seem that I am doing much with those things, but that isn’t true.

For me to be able to do something, I have to have all the pieces thought out, I have to have a near perfect thought of how I am going to accomplish something and then I will start. Sometimes I will have to measure things, or adjust some of my previous thoughts and ideas, but I will have looked at every angle before it and will be able to adjust.

So sometimes when I sit with my eyes glazed over, focusing on a spot on the wall, fiddling with my deck of cards, I’m looking at how I will take all my random tables with me, or what tables I still need to print out to be able to roll up a city for example (this is something I have been thinking about the last few days).

So it isn’t because I am sitting still with my eyes glazed over that I am doing nothing or daydreaming. It could be that I am performing a complete routine of magic effects in my head to see how they would play, or devising new routines.

I love watching new magic effects, only to get an Eureka moment when I get to fit a certain piece of that effect (it could be just how he puts down the deck) into a routine I have been working on for 4 years (this has happened before), I will give you an example later.

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