How it feels: Loss/ real love

This isn’t really an autism thing, but it could be. I have to get this off my chest, as I have been thinking about this for 8 years now. 8. That’s a long time. Many days. Many hours, to dedicate to this.

To be completely honest, and to be honest to myself, I have to write this. I have to tell the world and let it out there. With the things I know now, I would gladly suffer my childhood abuse again, as it made me the person I am today. I would certainly wait this long again to get my autism diagnose and adhd diagnose. Yes, it was hard without it, but not impossible, as I have gotten my degree and am the person I am today because of it.

I would only do really 1 thing differently, because it will erase all my other mistakes I made after. I would never say “No” to her again. I would do all in my power to be there on the moments that I should have been there. That is my only regret. Losing that one special one. That is the only moment I really hate not being diagnosed autistic and adhd sooner. I lost her. The person I think about almost on a weekly basis, sometimes daily, for 8 years now.

There were no bad times, for me. I made her cry, most likely, by saying no. No to go to the big wedding anniversary. No to family parties. I hate those things. Even today. I hate a lot of people in one room. I would suffer through it now, if I know it was by her side, once again. That will never happen, and I know it.

I saw an instagram reel that encapsulates perfectly how I feel most of the time: “I keep reading the same chapter of this book, hoping the ending will change. It was one of the happiest chapters in my book. I will never forget it. But I can not change the chapter” (might have paraphrased it a little bit differently).

I know what real love felt like, and I let it slip. Never felt like that again.

I can still remember our first date in detail. If I went back to that park. I could recreate it step by step. 100 procent accurate. The same with how it ended. If I went back to my childhood home. I could recreate it 100 percent. No doubt. But the chapter never changes. It always ends the way it does.

Had i known that person would have such a big impact on the years after, god damn, i would have made more of an effort. Absolutely. I would have treated her like the diamond she is.

I said “no” one to many times. I respect her for breaking it off. It takes a lot to come out of a former abusive relationship and coming to the conclusion that too many “no”‘s is not what you want to hear anymore. I respect her for it. I even predicted it on our first date. I predicted that she would grow and break it off with me. I wish I wasn’t right on that one. I lost the lottery that day, by being right.

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