How it feels: Depression

Although Depression is a comorbid of autism (it happens so freakishly many that it could almost be a criteria of autism), that I want to talk about it.

I only noticed that I was depressed as of january 2015, when I first tried to commit suicide. Thanks to Alexithymia I never noticed my depression, although I exhibited all the symptoms. My mom never told me about them, although she has them herself, and I never bothered to look, because I didn’t feel them.

It has crushed one relationship I know of, and one ended while I was suicidal and it drove me of a clif, hence my suicide attempt a few years ago.

Did I become less suicidal since then? Nope. It goes in remission and strikes with a vengeance. Although I don’t attempt anymore, thoughts about it frequent my brain more than I dare to admit.

This is when I know that I should do something about it.

Yes, I am one of those that takes anti-depressants. I am one of those. I am one of those statistics. Although I do everything in my power to not be one of them, I can’t help it. It happens. My brain is wired to be depressed, thanks to a society that doesn’t value it’s autistic community.

Although, I must admit that I have an awesome supportnetwork build around me, it is not enough. I still am suicidal, which is a far side of my depression.

I have days that I don’t exhibit any symptoms and you could say I almost look happy, and I have those days that I can’t get out of bed, but I must, out of necessity (I live together with my girlfriend and she wants to at least see my face every once in a while).

When I know I am depressed there is no sense in my body, I have a very heavy feeling, I don’t feel like eating and I have nothing I want to do. Absolutely nothing. I can be fairly active in the beginning of the day, and it comes in the afternoon that I feel heavy and don’t feel like doing anything.

I think it is triggered by an unconcious thought that triggered something and made me feel that way, I don’t know.

I write this article because as of now, I feel more and more depressed, suicidal even. It is not a great feeling, but apart from that, I try to write my articles for this blog.

Some days I have great inspiration for this blog, but I think you ought to know that on some days, I will be depressed (maybe even suicidal). So there is no shame in feeling this way and if you need help, in any shape or form, there is no shame. Although society thinks there is, you are not the whole of society, as am i. You don’t need to wear a mask for me, as I won’t wear a mask for you (hence this openhearted blogpost).

If you need help, look for help. Not all people will be enthousiastic, but seek out help anyway, talk about it with people, it will help.