tales by the unexpected

My story, my tales, my life

Categorie: my life (pagina 2 van 3)

moving

I’m moving. Moving together with my girlfriend in our own place. Moving as an autistic isn’t easy, and we don’t have such a big place, but I was suprised to see how fast everything was stuffed to the brim with all our stuff. We can hardly move in this new place, thanks to all the boxes and bags with all our trinkets in them.

Once we start unpacking and really start to settle in, as we are still moving our stuff from one place to the other. I plan to minimalize a lot. I will take pictures of the process, and report on it here, as it seems to me a very, very fun project.

But I want to live more minimalistic.

As an autistic, I have an attachment to certain things, like my tablet. I don’t think I could ever live without my tablet. And now my special interest is transitioning from magic and mentalism to electronics, I don’t think I will be throwing away or getting rid of anything electronic anytime soon. I will be downsizing my magic and mentalism collection though, and will probably go to a magic shop and sell some things. It will be an interesting process, and I hope the stress headaches stop soon, as I’m sick of them already. Normally in highly stressful situations, I either run away to a safe space, or I have troubles with my bowels. Now, as I’m moving, it’s my stomach, which gives me reflux and my brain, which gives me headaches, as I have to think of so many stuff, and I can’t stop thinking about all the stuff that needs to get done. Maybe it might help if my girlfriend communicates with me what needs to be done and when she plans on doing them or delegates some stuff to me… which gives me a sense of control, which I don’t feel I have at the moment. So many things are left open and uncared for, which gives me the headaches and doesn’t help my autistic sense of calmness.

What does autism feel like: Echolalia

If you don’t know what echolalia is, here’s a great video explaining it:

I have the two kinds expressed in the video. I have the delayed kind and the immediate, instant kind. I will explain both.

instant echolalia

What does it feel like? Why do I have to do it? Why can’t I stop it? Echolalia for me, is mostly when I hear something cool in a movie. A quote, a sound snippet,… it can be anything that I like in the movie, or even something my girlfriend says that I can interject, to relive the moment.

That’s why I do this kind of echolalia, to relive the moment a few moments ago. Also, I think, to process all the sensory inputs of that moment, because it was overwhelming, all the sounds, the smell of the house, the action, the laughing that might occur after a funny moment with my girlfriend. Everything needs to be processed and I think that echolalia helps with that fact. Also, to create memories. It helps me to cement it in long term memory, so that even years later, I can still recall a memory by that quote or by that piece of sentence that someone might have said.

Delayed echolalia

Delayed echolalia can be a form of social scripting, which might make an aspie popular. I have this trait in common with my dad, although he used stand up comedians of his time, which I later discovered, thanks to an online radio station. I do it with standup comedians of my time, and movie quotes. Delayed echolalia is triggered maybe months or years after we heard the source material, and it is reusable, it’s not that we do it one time. Delayed echolalia can be a story that we tell when we are triggered by a certain word or sentence or emotion or something that provokes us to tell that story, any sensory input can trigger us to do it. The same with something from movies, I can get images if something triggers me, like for example as I’m writing this piece, I get images from the echolalia snippet from the movie “temple grandin” which perfectly explains it, in picture.

 

This scene (I know it’s bad quality) explains echolalia the best. We are so overwhelmed by certain images that we have to express it somehow. For me, when I get triggered with a memory of a certain standup comedian I will do the standup comedy bit ad verbatim, with all the gestures, or with a piece of movie, I will sometimes act the part, or just say the script, or explain the scene or it will trigger me to listen to the soundtrack.

Echolalia is linked to certain parts of the memory. I use it to memorize certain things, as I listen soundtracks often, I will be prompted with the scene the soundtrack is played in. Very vivid images come to mind then, as I can rewatch the movie in my mind.

 

I joined the club.

The 28th of april my wait was finally over. I got the verdict and because of the title you already can deduce what it means. I am autistic. But I didn’t expect a double diagnose of autism-adhd. Apparantly I’m hyperactive, so i have the effects of red bull without red bull.

so, expect to read more about my autism in the future.

Autism tracker

Am I the only one who thinks this is a bullshit product?

I am talking about this app: http://tracknshareapp.com/autism-tracker/#_=_

I get that you want to track somethings of your child’s autism… certain moods and when he had a bad day and what might have triggered it…

But what I see is an app for people whom want to cure it, with reflexology and reiki and other bullshit methods. (Sorry for my profanity but I’m really in a bad mood apparantly thanks to this app).

I have read Neurotribes and the beginning of the book really infuriated me. I really got mad how people tried to cure their little boy.
I’m currently in my proces of being diagnosed with autism, but if they tried to cure me, I would be so, so mad! Then that would mean they would cure my visual thinking, my good long term memory. Fuck you.

I have looked at the other apps on an autism app list and all of them were focused on non-verbal autistics, as if only those with visual autism traits are worthy of being entered in an autism list. As if autism is only a deficiency? I could use an app that would help me with my executive functioning.

computer science and autism

I told you before that I see a lot of overlap between people with autism and computers.

Now it’s even more apparant to me, as I “crashed” earlier. I did a trainee-period in a store as well, and I “crashed” there more frequently.

It involved a search. A simple search for an item.

At the table, we were eating, I had to find the jam, to put on my sandwhich. I asked my girlfriend where I might find the jam and she told me in the storage chamber. I got annoyed at that point. I knew it was going to be in that section of the house, because the one in the refrigirator, now on the table, that one was empty, so obviously, the unopened one, should be the little storage room.

She told me to look for it. I can show you pictures, but maybe it’s easier to describe. When you enter, you see a rack with drinks and other stuff on it, and if you look to the right, you have 8 doors that lead to cupboards. So I could open 8 cupboards, but I wanted it to be over with quickly.

It’s actually a fault on my part, because I had to know that the things that are in storage, are the upper 2 doors when you look directly to the right but then you still have 4 shelves.

In the store where I worked, I had to find items in between 100’s of others. I did this more easily, I went to where it logically should have been, and then started scanning barcodes, because some items looked so similar to eachother that it was easy to put them in the wrong place, and in this way, I have found several mistakes in the store that could easily have been there for months, maybe even years.

I found the item, but this is why I think it’s easier to put things together, where they are easy to find. If something isn’t in it’s usual place, or where I know I have left it, I will not find it, even if it is lying right in front of me, just on the shelf above me, if I am looking below. I had this at home a lot, when I was looking for something in the fridge but it was place rather low (I’m 1m84).

 

Good question

Good question indeed.

“If there was no money, and everything depended on your moral standards, the way you behaved, and the way you treated people, how would you be doing in life?” – Tupac Shakur.

I can’t name you one song by Tupac, but I know that he was an intelligent man, based on this quote alone (if he really has asked that, you never know with quotes you find on the internet).

In all honesty, I seriously can’t answer that question. I have no regard for money anyways. Money to me is worth nothing. If I ask you something and you don’t do it, when I have done many, many things for you, that says more about you, than let’s say you owed me 10 euro and you don’t pay. I really don’t care about money. I have no problem in gifting someone 2 euro, but I won’t gift anyone a part of my time. I won’t do stuff for you, if I don’t like you. No fucking way. I have no problem with gifting a person I don’t like with a small sum of money. Although… probably isn’t entirely true either, there will be exceptions, that if I had commenters, people would ask me about. I can’t say, but the fact still remains that I don’t gift my time if I don’t like you. I won’t help you move, I won’t help you wash the dishes, I won’t even come to your house or do stuff together. I will decline flat out, if I don’t like you. But I can’t say what people would say about me, or how they will treat me if there was no money anymore and society only regarded behaviour as a measurement of richness.

Maybe one of the reasons I can’t answer is because I think it’s very pretentious to say things about yourself, without somebody else having said it first. People have told me before that I was intelligent in their eyes, so I happily pin that on. People have called me arrogant as well, I have that in my pocket. People have called me many things, not nice things. I was bullied, but mostly because I wasn’t financially well off, and I was easy to pick on. Weird world.

Autism Diagnosis part 1

I know that I am 1 day late with my usual schedule, but it has a reason.

When you are reading this. I’m probably doing my first part of my autism diagnosis. This has been written in the past (although this part is) and I’m actually quite excited to begin with. I have been waiting 8 years to get this diagnosis and everybody in my enviroment says that I will get the diagnosis, although I still doubt it a little myself. I’m full of doubts. Always have been. I recognize myself in the most parts of Asperger, but I will only know it for certain, when I have it on a piece of paper that confirms it.

feminism

Feminism, or more in particular feminists, or more in particular women that think they are feminists but are actually more hating men. Yes, those exist.

I have a page that regularly posts things, and that I can see on my facebook wall. I think I can count the things that actually go about men and when men are hurt by patriarchy, or more in particular a society that is supposedly run by men for men. I think I can count those articles on one hand.

I’ve read a book on such topic though. It was written by a women, whom went undercover as a man. Great book. It shows how men are treated in a man’s world. It shows how fun it is to not be able to show your emotions openly.

When women would be open to viewing the world, they would see that not actually men, but women are ruling the world. If you go into any DIY-shop, any shop that has things to make the house cleaner and neater and whatever, or stores like IKEA. You will most likely, see the women make all the choices. I have worked in a DIY shop and I have heard the comment: “I will have to ask my wife” more often than not.

Yes, men have their mistakes. I can’t take back all mistakes that my fellow men have done.

It’s just sad to see, that women, especially these feminists don’t see that both sides are hurt by exactly the same problem. That we shouldn’t fight eachother. That we shouldn’t be fighting over such things as mansplaining (I want to meet the woman that invented this term and have her explain it to me).

I think these feminists don’t get the real message. The message being that there are men and women, whom would rather want that we squabble amongst eachother, instead of fighting them. Them whom control us, whom make up problems for us to fight about, so we wouldn’t fight about the problems that really matter, that really make up our society. I also condemn those men that are violent against women, I also condemn those men that rape women and sexually abuse them in any way possible. The same way as I condemn those that do those things also to men.

If you could see the things and know all the things that are hanging and are decided above our heads, I think that things like feminism wouldn’t matter anymore. I like the idea of fighting against something, of rebelling against something, but make it something usefull, something that benefits all of us, not just one gender.

When I tell people I might be autistic…

When I tell people I might be autistic, the most reactions are get are one of the following:

Everybody is a little autistic

Yep, like autistics are a little bit neurotypical. I don’t think the people who say this know how offensive this really is. It’s like saying: “every person is a little bit black” to a black person, and not knowing that you said something offensive. It’s people whom are not great at dealing with diversity. I’m not typical, never will be, how hard I try to be normal (and believe me, I try, but I will never be normal, so most of the times, I don’t give a fuck. Sometimes I do. In High profile situations, like a social gathering that my girlfriend thinks that means something, or is important for her).

I couldn’t tell you are autistic, you must be high-functioning then.

Yes, just like my other disability, which is also invisible, and I get also offensive remarks about. When you can’t stand on your legs, because of an accident, and you know it’s going to heal, you won’t say to someone in a wheel chair, I know how it’s to be like you, I have been in a wheelchair like you. Nope, You haven’t been on a wheelchair like that person, just like you won’t have the bowel problems like me, or be a little autistic like me. I also hate when people say about someone when they are being OCD when they just have minor annoyances, like something not being straight. I have annoyances, which can trigger me, but they used to bug me more than now. Now I know that I can go to the store to pick up more of my breakfast, and have some tommorow. It wasn’t like that when I was young.

You can’t be autistic, because you are not like …

Don’t compare two autistics. I have met an autistic person, to whom I said I might be autistic, and he was very understanding. He told me there was a spectrum, and because I was not like him, didn’t mean I wasn’t on the spectrum as well. I have met other people as well, which caused me great doubts, because I have been searching for a very, very long time after what makes me different from most people. I thought I was highly intelligent, but an IQ test knocked that to the ground, although I didn’t think I did that bad, because the test also measures response time. I got the answer right in my mind, but my brain-mouth connection isn’t so fast, because other images keep popping up and distract the brain-mouth connection.

Stand still! Don’t fidget! (any combination of don’t move, don’t fidget, don’t do anything weird)

I had a teacher, whom I still have a grudge toward, which will never, ever go away. She failed my 6th year in high school because she thought I was anti-social, but that isn’t the worst thing she did. She told me to stand still. That’s the worst, because I was nervous during my presentation. I had to present in a group, so I had to remember my words, remember my que, had to face the jury, had to look them in the eyes. Things they told me a hundred times I didn’t do. Then in the middle of the presentation (because I have a tendency to walk around, and rock left to right all the time when I’m talking), she yelled at me (yelled, not said) that I should stand still. I stood still, not in a normal relaxed fashion. I froze in the moment I was in. Obviously, that talk didn’t go well. The next year, I had to do that year over again, and I had the exact opposite of that teacher. A teacher that was very, very understanding, whom wanted me to learn new things and whom helped me hide my stim, but never said anything bad about it. She gave me a table to lean on, which made my stims less obvious, but they were still there, and it was acceptable. I aced my presentation, by not moving standing behind a table and I was very, very relaxed giving that presentation.

 

How I stepped away from being non-neuro-typical years before my diagnosis

I won’t get my diagnosis until later this year, and it’s almost a given that I will get my diagnosis. I will almost certainly get it (90 procent chance). Almost everybody that has seen me more than once, and knows a bit about autism sees it automatically.

It was something a teacher said to me: “You are weird, but I don’t know what makes you weird.” My response was very, very positive, and the teacher didn’t get why. I gave him this answer in return: “Have you seen normal people? I don’t want to be like them, so it’s a compliment to be called weird.”

I am weird. No doubt about that. I was the one sitting on the ground at the bus stop, because there was no place to sit. I am the one reading a book in that position as well. I am the one in the clothes that almost no one wears. That are out of style or need fixing. I am the one in the pants several sizes to big or a sweater with which I can almost pitch a tent. I am the one that will mostly be doodling during class, or possibly reading or making exercises, while you, the teacher, are still talking. I might be staring out of the window, absolutely not following what you are talking about, but when you get my homework it shows that I actually know the subject. I’m the one pupil that loves to work alone, and almost never is picked to work in groupworks anyway.

I’m the one pupil that will probably challenge your authority, but will gladly give you the authority if you know what you are talking about or you show me that you know more about the subject than me. Fail to do one or both and I will probably never respect you. It doesn’t have anything to do with gender or race but of competence. You can show me all the fancy degrees you want, fail to answer one or two of my questions and you will automatically lose authority, because I will research the hell out of the questions and I will come back to show you the answer. Best thing to do is answer me with “I don’t know, I will look it up for you.” That will keep you your precious authority.

I will be the pupil that stays home if he knows that you can’t teach him anything or not handing in schoolwork, because he doesn’t see the use of it.

I don’t do anything to belittle you or to give you a hard time just for the sake of giving you a hard time. I’m just different.

I’m the pupil who will probably never ask a question in class, but come to speak to you after class, and if I really like you as a person, talk to you as I would to one of my friends, one of the highest honours I can give you, because I don’t know how to relate to most of the people around me, I will relate to people whom I like, like I’m showing you at that moment. I will gladly help you with things, not to get things from you, but just to help you.

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