tales by the unexpected

My story, my tales, my life

Categorie: my life (pagina 1 van 2)

How does autism feel: recognizing sounds and other things

I don’t know if anybody can do this, or to my accuracy. I just had it with 12 Micrograms “Speed Freak”. at 6:24 you will hear faintly in the background a symphony of some kind. My brain got all twitchy as I recognized it. It’s the same when I recognize something in a movie, like an actor or something else. I have to research it. This is part ADHD and autism. My autism is the part that recognizes the things and my ADHD gives me the compulsion to research it then and there (and has to call out that I recognized it.

First my thought was that that familiar snippet was from Spiderman, but I youtubed it and it wasn’t so. Then I listened to it again and it was the theme from Ang Lee’s The hulk.

I have this a lot. I can watch movies, series, or listen to music (as in this case) and recognize something and I have to research it.

I get this tingly feeling and I have to talk about it. I get super-excited and I can’t help myself. The part of me that’s autistic, as I have said before is the part that does the recognizing. That is the part that accesses my library of useless facts and stores everything in  a (mostly) easy to access format. I can reference facts from all kinds of topics with ease, which makes it easy for me, to give you something interesting on almost any topic that I know of. The more I read, the more this capacity expands.

My adhd is the part that gives me the compulsion to research it and blurt it out. Sometimes I even have to pause the snippet and replay it so it is clear and that I am right. Mostly I just pause the movie, while I’m researching. It’s not boring to me ever, but might be irritating to the people watching with me. I haven’t gotten a bad reaction to this yet, although I might be annoying while going to the movies. Sometimes (because I have watched so many movie, and have read books about them, and it’s just an interest to me) I can predict movies. I can predict them to such an accuracy that they become boring to me, as I can literally tell you what is going to happen next, before it even happens.

Like in The fast and the furious 4, my friend and me, where in the cinema and I blurted out silently to him what would happen at the end of the movie. (That brian would seize to be a cop and follow Torretto). he said that I couldn’t know for sure. I said I did as it was clearly foreshadowed in his mannerisms and the way he did things and other clues. Also in previous movies he gave Toretto his carkeys and let him flea, and I watched the movie, of which the first the fast and the furious is almost a carbon copy: “Point Break”, the Keanu Reeves one, not the crappy remake. This made that my friend doesn’t want to go to the movies with me anymore (or the occassion hasn’t presented itself anymore).

Normal?

This is something my sixteen year old self would have loved to read, as it is something I have been thinking about since then. Also, this will explain the basis for my self confidence.

I would never want to be normal. Normal is average. Normal is not something I look up to. All the people you meet day to day are normal.  One of the people I aspire to are extraordinary, like Da Vinci.

Normal is boring and even your brain knows it. That’s why when asked, people will always rate themselves higher than they are, known as rhe dunning-kruger effect.

So, even the brain of normal people doesn’t want to be labeled as normal… why would you aspire ro be normal then? This is why functioning labels are offensive. They compare autistics to normal, while Some of us, can do things most neurotypicals can only dream of. Like for example, me and movies… I have a terrific memory for them and after I watched it once, I can follow the movie without looking, just by listening to the sound. I see the movie in my mind’s eye.

so, why would you want to be normal? Here’s an anecdote about me. While I was still in school and one day after class ended, I was talking to my religion-teacher and he said ” I don’t know what it is, but you are not normal. Something is weird about you. I don’t know what.” He thought he might have offended me, so he apologized… he must have been freaked out when I thanked him with this sentence: ” Thanks, this means I’m not normal like most of them” pointing backwards to school, meaning most of then pupils of the school.

I was the odd one out… always.

also, how can people know for 100 percent certainty why you do something? If you lie down in a busy train terminal… why can they judge you? Maybe you are dead tired, or there is something else… Maybe you are part of a religion that asks you to pray on busy train terminals? So… nobody can judge you with 100 percent certainty… so why do you still have low confidence?

also, I think neurotypicals don’t like autistics, because we are not normal. We are the odd-ones out. We emphasize their averageness and they don’t like that. not even their brain can then deny their averageness.

I know it’s been a while

I know it’s been a while since I’ve last written here. I had my 30th birthday, which I’m still not quite over. Not that it was so exciting, but I hate the fact that I’m not a 30-something, hope my 30’s will be better than my 20’s though.

What have I been up to? Well, mostly reading, and not trying to kill myself (as I’m suicidal again). Also, I’ve opened up a defective xbox 360 controller to see if I can fit a raspberry pi in there and make it a retro-gaming console. I don’t know yet, but I have some plans in my head, only need to see if everything fits and such, but more on this later.

I’m also planning to participate in Nanowrimo again, after taking a few year sabatical, I’m finally ready to tackle such a thing again and write my ass off. Only need to get myself a notebook and I’m set (and maybe a kitchen timer). Also, I plan to get my ritalin and some sleep medication next month, so this will be the first november that I will actually will be able to focus and maybe complete the 50k, as it only happened once, in a 24 hour writing frenzy of which actually nothing was usable (combine ADHD and lots and lots of cafeine and you catch my drift. I was able to stay awake and write the 50k, but my mind was racing a lot and the cafeine crash almost left me incapable of doing anything the week after.)

sensory processing

This is one of the reasons I think it’s sad that I was diagnosed so late. My counselor told me yesterday, that I have to learn what overwhelms and overstimulates me, while 8 years olds with a diagnose, already know this, up until the details.

It’s sad, on the one hand, it’s a good thing on the other. I know I can behave in settings, without ever being notice as autistic. I will be quirky, but never seen as autistic. I can pass as neurotypical, this is my advantage regarding those little youngsters. I don’t care anymore for passing neurotypical, I have given that up when I was 16, when I first started noticing I was different from everybody else, but I embraced my differentness.

When I think of sensory processing I always think of the scene in the movie the matrix, the one where Morpheus teaches Neo what his perception is. Perception is nothing else than electrical stimuli interpreted by the brain, but since our brain is different, it’s no wonder that we perceive the world differently.

I only recently learned that bright light overstimulates me, although I have years almost not set foot outside in the summer. I knew about heat, and my hyposensitivity (undersensitivity) to cold.

I know tight clothing is a no-no, but loose fitting clothing is ok. And one of the first things I do when I arrive home is take off my shoes. I really don’t like shoes on for to long, and I can’t stand wearing loafers, as I constantly lose them (ADHD!!!).

I still have a lot to learn, but it’s fun learning this way. As I will get to know myself pretty well when this process is over.

Personal message

This is a Personal message to make the Ruminating stop, so I won’t have it going round and round in my head. I will give you the context and all, so you get why I write the message.

A few years ago, I was living together with a girl, until I was caught between 2 fires and my mom threw me out. I really loved this girl. Did everything to get her away from her abusive ex. She kept emotionally distant from me because She kept chatting with a guy whom only used her for sex, but She had feelings for. When my mom threw us out, She forgot pictures of her deceased dad and a jewelry box. My mom admitted She had never seen it when I asked her about it, which I know is a lie. My best friend, whom started a relationship with her, wants to get contact again, only when I apologize for the loss of the jewelry. This is my message to him, don’t know if he will ever read it, but I don’t care. It will be off my mind.

Dear Y,

Apologizing to I. would be the same as admitting guilt, and I am not guilty. Never was.

If you want me to apologize for all the things I messaged her, as far as I can tell, one message that really stands out, I will do that, but never will I apologize for things I can’t control. Yes, it’s my family, but No, I can’t control them. It’s sad that a friendship will be lost, but I think I already knew it was doomed the moment you came confessing She had rested her head on your lap. Or when I was still there Bu you,two were playing with the whipped Cream. Also, a not so subtle sign was the moment everyone grew silent when I came back from upstairs. (It’s weird how after all these years I still remember everything so vividly). I went home early to not have to witness it anymore, but a few days later, it all happened where we lived, and you sent me away, instead of her, while you yelled bros before hoes, a few months before, while I was still helping her. Our friendship is over, I guess. Not that I will forget the memories, as you see, I clearly haven’t. Not even of the moment we met, or your birthday party, or the christmasses we spent together. I don’t think I will ever forget.

I don’t think I will ever let someone get as close as I have let you. You knew almost everything, you were the one most dear to me, even during my suicide attempt, I know you begged and pleaded to get me off the tracks, but I was to far gone, mostly Thanks to your new girlfriend. But clearly you have chosen as well, just as I have. I will never interfere with your life, you will never interfere with mine.

I wish you well.

Thankfull

yesterday I was assembling a closet my girlfriend picked out for our appartment. And while putting in the back wall of the closet, I relived a memory of my dad teaching me how to build such things. Lessons he taught me about building and making while I was much younger and our relationship wasn’t so strained.

It was in that moment, that I was thankful for the few lessons my dad taught me, like working with a computer, and how it still helps me. He also never stopped me from being curious or wanting to find things out and looking for answers.

although I was brought up with a few christian elements, religion was never forced on me.

A question that still pops up every once in a while in my head is: how would our family situation have been, if my dad had known he was autistic. Would it have made any difference?

Essentials

I am active in some minimalist groups on Facebook and a few questions keep coming up. One is how much of your clothing should you throw away to keep the bare minimum.

At the moment I only have 2 long pair of pants, several shorts, a few sweaters (mostly hoodies) and my essentials.

Essentials for me are pieces of clothing I won’t minimize on whatsoever. Black t-shirts are one of these. I have I think close to 30 t-shirts, all black, same brand. This is a concious choice.

First reason is, I’m autistic. I don’t like certain fabrics on me. Ask my girlfriend, She can tell you the story of when she went and surprised me with clothing I didn’t pick. I’m sensitive to this. Same goes for anything on my wrists or neck. I never wear ties or wristbands, and when I have to, I only wear them for when it’s absolutely necessary. Same goes for shoes. I have 4 pairs, one for every occassion, and not more than that.

Apparantly it’s necessary to wear a clean shirt every once and a while, so I bought more so I could survive at least 2 weeks without doing laundry. I also have several sets of jogging pants that fit snuggly to wear at home, as I don’t like to wear normal pants because they don’t feel well.

oh Yeah, for me, it’s always same brand stuff. Once I like something, don’t bring me other stuff, that might be similar, but isn’t. I notice. I won’t always comment on it, but I will notice always. With food I’m easier than with clothing, although I can’t eat certain foods because I’m intolerant to them.

I will never buy a few of my essentials, I need enough of them, and can’t minimize on them.

moving

I’m moving. Moving together with my girlfriend in our own place. Moving as an autistic isn’t easy, and we don’t have such a big place, but I was suprised to see how fast everything was stuffed to the brim with all our stuff. We can hardly move in this new place, thanks to all the boxes and bags with all our trinkets in them.

Once we start unpacking and really start to settle in, as we are still moving our stuff from one place to the other. I plan to minimalize a lot. I will take pictures of the process, and report on it here, as it seems to me a very, very fun project.

But I want to live more minimalistic.

As an autistic, I have an attachment to certain things, like my tablet. I don’t think I could ever live without my tablet. And now my special interest is transitioning from magic and mentalism to electronics, I don’t think I will be throwing away or getting rid of anything electronic anytime soon. I will be downsizing my magic and mentalism collection though, and will probably go to a magic shop and sell some things. It will be an interesting process, and I hope the stress headaches stop soon, as I’m sick of them already. Normally in highly stressful situations, I either run away to a safe space, or I have troubles with my bowels. Now, as I’m moving, it’s my stomach, which gives me reflux and my brain, which gives me headaches, as I have to think of so many stuff, and I can’t stop thinking about all the stuff that needs to get done. Maybe it might help if my girlfriend communicates with me what needs to be done and when she plans on doing them or delegates some stuff to me… which gives me a sense of control, which I don’t feel I have at the moment. So many things are left open and uncared for, which gives me the headaches and doesn’t help my autistic sense of calmness.

What does autism feel like: Echolalia

If you don’t know what echolalia is, here’s a great video explaining it:

I have the two kinds expressed in the video. I have the delayed kind and the immediate, instant kind. I will explain both.

instant echolalia

What does it feel like? Why do I have to do it? Why can’t I stop it? Echolalia for me, is mostly when I hear something cool in a movie. A quote, a sound snippet,… it can be anything that I like in the movie, or even something my girlfriend says that I can interject, to relive the moment.

That’s why I do this kind of echolalia, to relive the moment a few moments ago. Also, I think, to process all the sensory inputs of that moment, because it was overwhelming, all the sounds, the smell of the house, the action, the laughing that might occur after a funny moment with my girlfriend. Everything needs to be processed and I think that echolalia helps with that fact. Also, to create memories. It helps me to cement it in long term memory, so that even years later, I can still recall a memory by that quote or by that piece of sentence that someone might have said.

Delayed echolalia

Delayed echolalia can be a form of social scripting, which might make an aspie popular. I have this trait in common with my dad, although he used stand up comedians of his time, which I later discovered, thanks to an online radio station. I do it with standup comedians of my time, and movie quotes. Delayed echolalia is triggered maybe months or years after we heard the source material, and it is reusable, it’s not that we do it one time. Delayed echolalia can be a story that we tell when we are triggered by a certain word or sentence or emotion or something that provokes us to tell that story, any sensory input can trigger us to do it. The same with something from movies, I can get images if something triggers me, like for example as I’m writing this piece, I get images from the echolalia snippet from the movie “temple grandin” which perfectly explains it, in picture.

 

This scene (I know it’s bad quality) explains echolalia the best. We are so overwhelmed by certain images that we have to express it somehow. For me, when I get triggered with a memory of a certain standup comedian I will do the standup comedy bit ad verbatim, with all the gestures, or with a piece of movie, I will sometimes act the part, or just say the script, or explain the scene or it will trigger me to listen to the soundtrack.

Echolalia is linked to certain parts of the memory. I use it to memorize certain things, as I listen soundtracks often, I will be prompted with the scene the soundtrack is played in. Very vivid images come to mind then, as I can rewatch the movie in my mind.

 

I joined the club.

The 28th of april my wait was finally over. I got the verdict and because of the title you already can deduce what it means. I am autistic. But I didn’t expect a double diagnose of autism-adhd. Apparantly I’m hyperactive, so i have the effects of red bull without red bull.

so, expect to read more about my autism in the future.

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