tales by the unexpected

My story, my tales, my life

Categorie: my life (pagina 1 van 3)

One year later

My previous post was my 100th post, and now we are 1 year since I started this blog, so time for an overview of how the past year has been.

My blog has become an extention of me. It became that way, it wasn’t intended that way.

My intend was a fun blogging experience where I would write about my hobbies and nothing more, but it became more personal when I started chronicling my autism journey. When I started talking about how autism affected me.

My first big post, that was shared and read a lot was My letter to autism parents. It was a critique on an “awareness” page and it’s visitors (mostly autism moms) and I was fed up of always giving the same answers. This was also the page where I learned that autistics aren’t well greeted, not even by people that have one in their midsts.

Where I really start to see an impact, was with my Analogies, both my Harry Potter one and coin one, as these explain difficult concepts in really simple, easy to understand analogies and can be easily shared with youngsters or people that don’t understand autism very well.

I became more and more an activist. I wrote more and more about what made me autistic and accepted my adhd as a part of me and started taking medicine for it. This only happened fairly recently (a month ago), while I have my diagnose now since april 2017, so now 8 months.

My autism diagnose was as coming home. As being part of a community. I was an activist, fighting for being accepted and being recognized as such, and only a few days ago (I write this on the 11th of december), I was accepted by other activists as one of their own. My analysis about “To siri” started being shared more and more and now I feel really a part of the community.

I noticed that autistics communicate a lot through twitter and that there really is a following there, which is nice. The “for siri” book took a lot out of me, but I was glad that I could take one for the team and be recognized for the work I put in. I did it so more autistics knew how bad the book really was. Off course, not everything was recorded as I am only human and not a copy machine, but you get enough information, so you can make an informed discussion about the book, and don’t have to rely on just a few paragraphs.

This first year was an amazing journey into self-acceptance and knowing my path. I can only hope that 2018 will bring more of this and other good things.

Bullying

Edit: I wrote this before I knew he threw racist slurs at a black kid.

My girlfriend pointed out a video to me from Keaton Jones and how he, through his tears, tells his story of how he is bullied and even tries to give words of council to others that are bullied.

I must tell you that I haven’t watched the video, as it will only make me angry and surface old memories of my own bullies and things they did to me.

What I don’t get is why doesn’t anyone in the school do something about it? They must see it. If the acts of bullying are so blatant as the boy says, then they must be noticed. The aftermath must be noticed. It’s not that a boy is going to spill milk over himself on purpose or that bread magically appears around where he sits, or that his clothes come pre-stuffed with pieces of ham.

Bullies, in my own experience, bully those weaker than themselves, to feel superior, to feel that they are better. To be accepted by their peers, by excluding other people that are not like them.

They have been saying that bullying will be punished and there will be done something about it, but why is it still being done today. Why do they have to single out somebody whom is different by appearance and show them that they are seemingly superior.

It can be harsch. Being bullied is never fun. It makes you tougher though. I have seen and experienced most tactics, and I can predict when they will happen and in what form, or recognize the tactics for what they are: weakness. In the recent “to siri” posts by the author she noticed that she was weak against us, autistics, and she said that we don’t get the humour because we are autistic. I watch standup comedians and I now when something is funny, her book was not. It was also a form of bullying but by a mom towards her own child.

Bullying should always be punished, as it is a form of psychological torture, and to me, should be punished very, very severely.

How does autism feel: recognizing sounds and other things

I don’t know if anybody can do this, or to my accuracy. I just had it with 12 Micrograms “Speed Freak”. at 6:24 you will hear faintly in the background a symphony of some kind. My brain got all twitchy as I recognized it. It’s the same when I recognize something in a movie, like an actor or something else. I have to research it. This is part ADHD and autism. My autism is the part that recognizes the things and my ADHD gives me the compulsion to research it then and there (and has to call out that I recognized it.

First my thought was that that familiar snippet was from Spiderman, but I youtubed it and it wasn’t so. Then I listened to it again and it was the theme from Ang Lee’s The hulk.

I have this a lot. I can watch movies, series, or listen to music (as in this case) and recognize something and I have to research it.

I get this tingly feeling and I have to talk about it. I get super-excited and I can’t help myself. The part of me that’s autistic, as I have said before is the part that does the recognizing. That is the part that accesses my library of useless facts and stores everything in  a (mostly) easy to access format. I can reference facts from all kinds of topics with ease, which makes it easy for me, to give you something interesting on almost any topic that I know of. The more I read, the more this capacity expands.

My adhd is the part that gives me the compulsion to research it and blurt it out. Sometimes I even have to pause the snippet and replay it so it is clear and that I am right. Mostly I just pause the movie, while I’m researching. It’s not boring to me ever, but might be irritating to the people watching with me. I haven’t gotten a bad reaction to this yet, although I might be annoying while going to the movies. Sometimes (because I have watched so many movie, and have read books about them, and it’s just an interest to me) I can predict movies. I can predict them to such an accuracy that they become boring to me, as I can literally tell you what is going to happen next, before it even happens.

Like in The fast and the furious 4, my friend and me, where in the cinema and I blurted out silently to him what would happen at the end of the movie. (That brian would seize to be a cop and follow Torretto). he said that I couldn’t know for sure. I said I did as it was clearly foreshadowed in his mannerisms and the way he did things and other clues. Also in previous movies he gave Toretto his carkeys and let him flea, and I watched the movie, of which the first the fast and the furious is almost a carbon copy: “Point Break”, the Keanu Reeves one, not the crappy remake. This made that my friend doesn’t want to go to the movies with me anymore (or the occassion hasn’t presented itself anymore).

rilatin

As you may now, I am a adhd’er. Before, when I was not on Rilatin, I was a bunny hopping from thought to thought and never accomplished anything. It’s actually a miracle that I know so much that I do know now, as before I had rare moments that I could hyperfocus and did things, but never finished anything.

Now, I am on ritalin.

I was scared to take this at first. I have my diagnose of adhd since april 2017, but waiting until now to go to a psychiatrist and let me subscribe the medicin.

I had a fear of what might happen, of what it might do to me, what side-effects might happen.

The great things is that I have now since a few days: finished 3 partially read books, mailed several people for another project I am doing, cooked and cleaned the appartment and just did things and kept my focus on them.

I am not as easily distracted anymore, as I was before. I don’t have random thoughts popping up in my head anymore. I am not as easily distractable anymore, which is a huge relief. I can now do things that have become almost impossible before.

Normal?

This is something my sixteen year old self would have loved to read, as it is something I have been thinking about since then. Also, this will explain the basis for my self confidence.

I would never want to be normal. Normal is average. Normal is not something I look up to. All the people you meet day to day are normal.  One of the people I aspire to are extraordinary, like Da Vinci.

Normal is boring and even your brain knows it. That’s why when asked, people will always rate themselves higher than they are, known as rhe dunning-kruger effect.

So, even the brain of normal people doesn’t want to be labeled as normal… why would you aspire ro be normal then? This is why functioning labels are offensive. They compare autistics to normal, while Some of us, can do things most neurotypicals can only dream of. Like for example, me and movies… I have a terrific memory for them and after I watched it once, I can follow the movie without looking, just by listening to the sound. I see the movie in my mind’s eye.

so, why would you want to be normal? Here’s an anecdote about me. While I was still in school and one day after class ended, I was talking to my religion-teacher and he said ” I don’t know what it is, but you are not normal. Something is weird about you. I don’t know what.” He thought he might have offended me, so he apologized… he must have been freaked out when I thanked him with this sentence: ” Thanks, this means I’m not normal like most of them” pointing backwards to school, meaning most of then pupils of the school.

I was the odd one out… always.

also, how can people know for 100 percent certainty why you do something? If you lie down in a busy train terminal… why can they judge you? Maybe you are dead tired, or there is something else… Maybe you are part of a religion that asks you to pray on busy train terminals? So… nobody can judge you with 100 percent certainty… so why do you still have low confidence?

also, I think neurotypicals don’t like autistics, because we are not normal. We are the odd-ones out. We emphasize their averageness and they don’t like that. not even their brain can then deny their averageness.

I know it’s been a while

I know it’s been a while since I’ve last written here. I had my 30th birthday, which I’m still not quite over. Not that it was so exciting, but I hate the fact that I’m not a 30-something, hope my 30’s will be better than my 20’s though.

What have I been up to? Well, mostly reading, and not trying to kill myself (as I’m suicidal again). Also, I’ve opened up a defective xbox 360 controller to see if I can fit a raspberry pi in there and make it a retro-gaming console. I don’t know yet, but I have some plans in my head, only need to see if everything fits and such, but more on this later.

I’m also planning to participate in Nanowrimo again, after taking a few year sabatical, I’m finally ready to tackle such a thing again and write my ass off. Only need to get myself a notebook and I’m set (and maybe a kitchen timer). Also, I plan to get my ritalin and some sleep medication next month, so this will be the first november that I will actually will be able to focus and maybe complete the 50k, as it only happened once, in a 24 hour writing frenzy of which actually nothing was usable (combine ADHD and lots and lots of cafeine and you catch my drift. I was able to stay awake and write the 50k, but my mind was racing a lot and the cafeine crash almost left me incapable of doing anything the week after.)

sensory processing

This is one of the reasons I think it’s sad that I was diagnosed so late. My counselor told me yesterday, that I have to learn what overwhelms and overstimulates me, while 8 years olds with a diagnose, already know this, up until the details.

It’s sad, on the one hand, it’s a good thing on the other. I know I can behave in settings, without ever being notice as autistic. I will be quirky, but never seen as autistic. I can pass as neurotypical, this is my advantage regarding those little youngsters. I don’t care anymore for passing neurotypical, I have given that up when I was 16, when I first started noticing I was different from everybody else, but I embraced my differentness.

When I think of sensory processing I always think of the scene in the movie the matrix, the one where Morpheus teaches Neo what his perception is. Perception is nothing else than electrical stimuli interpreted by the brain, but since our brain is different, it’s no wonder that we perceive the world differently.

I only recently learned that bright light overstimulates me, although I have years almost not set foot outside in the summer. I knew about heat, and my hyposensitivity (undersensitivity) to cold.

I know tight clothing is a no-no, but loose fitting clothing is ok. And one of the first things I do when I arrive home is take off my shoes. I really don’t like shoes on for to long, and I can’t stand wearing loafers, as I constantly lose them (ADHD!!!).

I still have a lot to learn, but it’s fun learning this way. As I will get to know myself pretty well when this process is over.

Personal message

This is a Personal message to make the Ruminating stop, so I won’t have it going round and round in my head. I will give you the context and all, so you get why I write the message.

A few years ago, I was living together with a girl, until I was caught between 2 fires and my mom threw me out. I really loved this girl. Did everything to get her away from her abusive ex. She kept emotionally distant from me because She kept chatting with a guy whom only used her for sex, but She had feelings for. When my mom threw us out, She forgot pictures of her deceased dad and a jewelry box. My mom admitted She had never seen it when I asked her about it, which I know is a lie. My best friend, whom started a relationship with her, wants to get contact again, only when I apologize for the loss of the jewelry. This is my message to him, don’t know if he will ever read it, but I don’t care. It will be off my mind.

Dear Y,

Apologizing to I. would be the same as admitting guilt, and I am not guilty. Never was.

If you want me to apologize for all the things I messaged her, as far as I can tell, one message that really stands out, I will do that, but never will I apologize for things I can’t control. Yes, it’s my family, but No, I can’t control them. It’s sad that a friendship will be lost, but I think I already knew it was doomed the moment you came confessing She had rested her head on your lap. Or when I was still there Bu you,two were playing with the whipped Cream. Also, a not so subtle sign was the moment everyone grew silent when I came back from upstairs. (It’s weird how after all these years I still remember everything so vividly). I went home early to not have to witness it anymore, but a few days later, it all happened where we lived, and you sent me away, instead of her, while you yelled bros before hoes, a few months before, while I was still helping her. Our friendship is over, I guess. Not that I will forget the memories, as you see, I clearly haven’t. Not even of the moment we met, or your birthday party, or the christmasses we spent together. I don’t think I will ever forget.

I don’t think I will ever let someone get as close as I have let you. You knew almost everything, you were the one most dear to me, even during my suicide attempt, I know you begged and pleaded to get me off the tracks, but I was to far gone, mostly Thanks to your new girlfriend. But clearly you have chosen as well, just as I have. I will never interfere with your life, you will never interfere with mine.

I wish you well.

Thankfull

yesterday I was assembling a closet my girlfriend picked out for our appartment. And while putting in the back wall of the closet, I relived a memory of my dad teaching me how to build such things. Lessons he taught me about building and making while I was much younger and our relationship wasn’t so strained.

It was in that moment, that I was thankful for the few lessons my dad taught me, like working with a computer, and how it still helps me. He also never stopped me from being curious or wanting to find things out and looking for answers.

although I was brought up with a few christian elements, religion was never forced on me.

A question that still pops up every once in a while in my head is: how would our family situation have been, if my dad had known he was autistic. Would it have made any difference?

Essentials

I am active in some minimalist groups on Facebook and a few questions keep coming up. One is how much of your clothing should you throw away to keep the bare minimum.

At the moment I only have 2 long pair of pants, several shorts, a few sweaters (mostly hoodies) and my essentials.

Essentials for me are pieces of clothing I won’t minimize on whatsoever. Black t-shirts are one of these. I have I think close to 30 t-shirts, all black, same brand. This is a concious choice.

First reason is, I’m autistic. I don’t like certain fabrics on me. Ask my girlfriend, She can tell you the story of when she went and surprised me with clothing I didn’t pick. I’m sensitive to this. Same goes for anything on my wrists or neck. I never wear ties or wristbands, and when I have to, I only wear them for when it’s absolutely necessary. Same goes for shoes. I have 4 pairs, one for every occassion, and not more than that.

Apparantly it’s necessary to wear a clean shirt every once and a while, so I bought more so I could survive at least 2 weeks without doing laundry. I also have several sets of jogging pants that fit snuggly to wear at home, as I don’t like to wear normal pants because they don’t feel well.

oh Yeah, for me, it’s always same brand stuff. Once I like something, don’t bring me other stuff, that might be similar, but isn’t. I notice. I won’t always comment on it, but I will notice always. With food I’m easier than with clothing, although I can’t eat certain foods because I’m intolerant to them.

I will never buy a few of my essentials, I need enough of them, and can’t minimize on them.

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