tales by the unexpected

My story, my tales, my life

Categorie: autism (pagina 2 van 4)

I know it’s been a while

I know it’s been a while since I’ve last written here. I had my 30th birthday, which I’m still not quite over. Not that it was so exciting, but I hate the fact that I’m not a 30-something, hope my 30’s will be better than my 20’s though.

What have I been up to? Well, mostly reading, and not trying to kill myself (as I’m suicidal again). Also, I’ve opened up a defective xbox 360 controller to see if I can fit a raspberry pi in there and make it a retro-gaming console. I don’t know yet, but I have some plans in my head, only need to see if everything fits and such, but more on this later.

I’m also planning to participate in Nanowrimo again, after taking a few year sabatical, I’m finally ready to tackle such a thing again and write my ass off. Only need to get myself a notebook and I’m set (and maybe a kitchen timer). Also, I plan to get my ritalin and some sleep medication next month, so this will be the first november that I will actually will be able to focus and maybe complete the 50k, as it only happened once, in a 24 hour writing frenzy of which actually nothing was usable (combine ADHD and lots and lots of cafeine and you catch my drift. I was able to stay awake and write the 50k, but my mind was racing a lot and the cafeine crash almost left me incapable of doing anything the week after.)

comic explaining the autism spectrum

Here’s the link to a great comic explaining the autism spectrum.

Please watch it and use it to explain it to somebody.

Understanding the spectrum – a comic strip explanation

On tolerance


“Tolerance is something entirely different than acceptance, Yes rather the opposite, a clever tool of oppression. Someone you take as equal, you embrace unconditionally, for now and forever. But by letting someone know you endure someone, you suggest in the same breath, that you think he’s a burden, a nagging pain or an u pleasant smell, where for this time, you want to step over. Under tolerance hides threat: the mood can flip with the expectation or it exceeds it.” Arthur Japin

I thought this was a very powerful quote and first saw it on a feminist page on Facebook, but thought that it would fit into the discussion about Autism as well.

Think about it for a second and Let me know what you think of it.

sensory processing

This is one of the reasons I think it’s sad that I was diagnosed so late. My counselor told me yesterday, that I have to learn what overwhelms and overstimulates me, while 8 years olds with a diagnose, already know this, up until the details.

It’s sad, on the one hand, it’s a good thing on the other. I know I can behave in settings, without ever being notice as autistic. I will be quirky, but never seen as autistic. I can pass as neurotypical, this is my advantage regarding those little youngsters. I don’t care anymore for passing neurotypical, I have given that up when I was 16, when I first started noticing I was different from everybody else, but I embraced my differentness.

When I think of sensory processing I always think of the scene in the movie the matrix, the one where Morpheus teaches Neo what his perception is. Perception is nothing else than electrical stimuli interpreted by the brain, but since our brain is different, it’s no wonder that we perceive the world differently.

I only recently learned that bright light overstimulates me, although I have years almost not set foot outside in the summer. I knew about heat, and my hyposensitivity (undersensitivity) to cold.

I know tight clothing is a no-no, but loose fitting clothing is ok. And one of the first things I do when I arrive home is take off my shoes. I really don’t like shoes on for to long, and I can’t stand wearing loafers, as I constantly lose them (ADHD!!!).

I still have a lot to learn, but it’s fun learning this way. As I will get to know myself pretty well when this process is over.

the problem with alexithymia

Alexithymia is the inability to identify and describe your own emotions. It can be a good thing, but it can also be a burden. I will explain both.

I have had many stressful situations in my life already. In my 30 year lifespan I had to endure my parents divorcing 2 times, enduring fights that my parents had with my sisters. Also, as an undiagnosed autistic, I have survived the regular school system.

Why not identifying your emotions can be a good thing?

I can have many things happen to me and almost never get angry, and when I feel I get angry, it’s at such a high level that I know, if I would act on it, it would be disastrous. I only feel the extremes: I only feel extremely happy, extremely angry, extremely sad, all those, but nothing else. When I feel really happy, I am really happy, and I want to share it with anyone. When I am angry, I know I must be really angry, otherwise I wouldn’t feel it, and must not act on it. When I am sad, I know I must be really sad and know that I shouldn’t take decisions that day, or they will be influenced by me being sad, for whatever reason.

Why not identifying your emotions can be a bad thing?

I don’t know when I’m stressed, ever. Except when my bowels start to act up, and that’s when it’s to late already. I have to do deep breathing exercises to get everything back to normal again then. The same with frustration. Some things might frustrate me or make me anxious, but I don’t know, so I only know certain things about my emotions and such when I look back at the situation. I have learned now recently, that when something is overwhelming for me, I have to get out of there. I have to leave. This is an automatic indicator that something has overwhelmed me or overstimulated me and I have to leave. Most of the things now, are automatic. Like I don’t like to go outside when it’s sunny, because the bright light and the heat are two of my no-no’s. I can go outside, but for short periods of time, and I am always glad to be back again, but I have learned these only recently (I have been enduring these for 30 years almost and never knew this until my autism diagnose. And all this, I think, because I can’t identify my emotions, otherwise I would have learned it much sooner).

Apparantly Murder can be good…

” There’s always one that must shout ableism. Arguing is pointless, you guys. You will be shamed, put down, called names, and guilted (“thanks for silencing an autistic person you guys woe is me”) and it just won’t matter. There will likely be no logic here. Ironically, there won’t be empathy offered to you, either.
Yeah, these caregivers were all just evil people, right? They couldn’t possibly have snapped under years of pressure, right? It couldn’t be that giving up your life for another person and cleaning bodily fluids and waste day in and day out is depressing, and maybe having those bodily fluids literally thrown at you from time to time. It couldn’t be that maybe hearing the same phrase 1,000 times in a day is akin to psychological torture. It couldn’t be having things thrown at you, wondering which one of your personal possessions will be broken and/or thrown at you next. It couldn’t be that most people don’t understand or relate to anything you’re going through. It couldn’t be the isolation, physical and mental. It ABSOLUTELY couldn’t have been that they realized that once they are gone, the person they have cared for will not have anyone to look after them anymore and the individual will be a ward of the state and is likely to be abused at some point… it couldn’t be that once I’m gone, there’s a good chance my nonverbal daughter will be raped/sexual abused in some way and that thought kind of makes me wanna blow my brains out sometimes… but here I am. I showed up for life again today, because of love. It couldn’t be any of that, though. Don’t you know being a caregiver is a fuckin cakewalk? Why are you guys silencing the angry autistic person? Geez y’all.”

If you don’t see What’s wrong with the problem, you are probably part of the problem. This was a reply on a reply of mine that parents or other caregivers killed their disabled kids because they are bad people. Also notice that no respect is given to the actual disabled person, whom is seen as a burden, he must have had it coming. That uttering the same phrase 1000 times, because of echolalia, is a reason to be killed, here compared to psychological torture, but if you look from the autistics point of view, just a way to cope with the world. Because this parent obviously showed up again, is a reason to pat her on the back, a reason to say She did a good job.

She doesn’t mourn the victims. She sweettalks the murderers. Would She do the same for rapists, created by a patriarchic society? Would She hail racists, created by a white-western society?

Nope. She won’t get empathy from me. She is just a parent and supposed to care for her child, no matter how “hard” She thinks it is. She should Fight for more understanding for her daughter, instead of trying to appeal to the oppressors, the people that yet again called me a troll today, because of my seemingly unpopular opinion.

Here are currently 381 people killed because of this perverse logic.

I am a bully

Ok. You got me, random stranger on the internet. I am a bully. I answer on posts about autism to bully people and silence them. You got me.

I bully autism parents in seeing that autism is not only what their kid has. That Timmy is not a unique little snowflake in the sea of autism. You are right, I am a bully, largely perhaps, because I can use my mouth parts and must not be like your kid. I silence people, when in a discussion I battle their ignorancz and ableism and their not-my-kid-rhetorics, with sound advice and with other perspectives.

yep, you got me.

I am maybe one of the few that won’t pity you. For me, you are like any other parent, but because you bitch and moan about how hard it is to care for an autistic and blare it loud and proud for everyone to hear and read, I see it as my duty, as an autistic self-advocate to be someone that goes against your message, because your view isn’t the only correct view. Your view, because you are neurotypical isn’t more valuable than mine, not because you are part of a larger group than me.

yep, I am a bully and you are right. I try to silence you. And only parents like you, whom keep up the anti-vaxx view that autistic children are damaged and need repairing.  I will keep striving to counter every fucking word of it, as long as I live, as long as it needs repeating.

More than meets the eye.

Apparantly, there is more than meets the eye to eye-contact than first thought.

There is a study published that proves that we, autistics, avoid eye contact not because our social thing, but because our brain is overstimulzted, read more about it here:  https://www.nature.com/articles/s41598-017-03378-5

More on functioning labels

I have written about functioning labels before and how I am certain they don’t help anyone autistic.

for example: you don’t talk about levels of blindness or levels of having lost a limb.

We as a society are taught from early on to look at everything in a dualistic way. Good and bad, fat and thin, ugly and beautiful, male and female, rich and poor, white and black.

Also, this is were those functioning labels comes from. Dualistic thinking is so ingrained, that we don’t see the many shades of grey (no relation to the books whatsoever).

I understand that mothers of autistic children are frustrated, and see only their child as suffering and autistic, but every autistic is suffering in a society that oppresses us, that doesn’t want us to exist. So it is better to stop squabling amongst eachother of whom is the Ultimate autistic and work together for a more accepting society.

Don’t underestimate sentimental value

Moving is hard work, especially when you are moving to something smaller than you are used to. My girlfriend and me are now moving to a one bedroom appartment with only so many room for storage space. I have to get rid of a lot of dvd’s and my girlfriend has to dispose of a lot of books, because we both had a huge collection. Before I was thrown out at my mom’s house, I even had more. More stuff to get rid off.

I already have disposed of a lot, just to be able to move to over here. When my mom threw me out the first time and I had to move back, my book collection stayed behind and the previous place I stayed and after a few months, my friends grandparents decided to throw them out, so there went my 300 books.

Now, to be able to have enough room for my stuff, I have to throw out 200 or more dvd’s I collected over the years.

I have learned something in this throwing, and disposing of stuff. The only thing that keeps me from throwing things out, are sentimental value. I had collector’s editions of dvd’s, like Scarface, but that doesn’t mean a thing to me now. I had all the Godfathers and was actually proud of my godfather collection, but never sat down watching part 2 and 3 of the trilogy, so out they went.

I kept a few dvd’s. I kept those that, following Marie Kondo’s advice, brought me joy. I am diagnosed with depression disorder, and I have had severe depression in the past (without taking any medicine for it). I got out of it. I got out of it by watching comedy dvd’s a lot. I have one dvd I know almost on the top of my head, that’s how much I watched it. I watched a movie like Yes man so many times that I still can replay it in my head (I watched it sometimes 5 times a day). Those I kept.

I kept stuff because I got it from a person very dear to me, like my first DVD was one I bought together with my dad. I actually remember my first DVD ever. My first DVD was Batman.

I have difficulty getting rid of some stuff that I got from my ex. I kept it in my hands and all the memories kept flooding back in, all at the same time, overwhelming me, like Pippin touching the palantir.

That’s the crazy thing about my autistic memory. I can when I see an object or touch an object, tell you almost in detail where I got it, how I got it, what it cost, etc. All those details come to me in a split second and I can’t stop it. I can’t filter it out. These are the things I have the hardest getting rid off.

Other stuff, I have no emotional connection with and I can dispose off quite easily, without any regrets.

But this is also a thing that might help me buy less stuff in the future. Do I think it is necessary to buy the thing I want to buy? Will it give me lasting impressions when I have to move and get rid off it? Would I try to salvage it in case a fire breaks out?

Mary Kondo’s question is valid, but I think other questions are more thoughtprovoking like the one I mentioned above: “In case of a fire, would I salvage this or would I just buy another one when I need it?” if you answer No to the first part of the question, throw it out, if it isn’t a necessity.

Necesarry items I don’t minimalise on are black t-shirts, as I wear one everyday, or underwear, for the very same reason. Some things are necessary, other things are luxury, and it’s balancing this line, that is the true challenge of a minimalist.

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